A conversation in my mind Part 1

Standing up on stage I look at people looking at me. Looking at people looking at me is a weird instance as people look with awe or disgust or even surprised as to how he got up on stage and started to speak. But I am speaking and speaking to you all. It’s fascinating how I can speak to you while looking at you look at me. It’s as if I am talking to myself, but not really. What is this conversation about, you might wonder looking at me? I, as you can probably tell because I can, am not some rich guy or an influencer about to give a great speech on how you can look at yourself, speak to yourself so you can get a life you want to get. But if that is what you came here for, I can tell you a story about how I look at myself while you look at me looking at you.

My mother calls me insane from time to time. I look at her looking at me. How can you not be? I question time to time. I do question not time to time, but all the time. I am questioning myself looking at you look at me. But the story is probably good so let’s continue.

Nobody else calls me insane, but I can look at people looking at me. They look at me as if I am insane. How can you not be? I question myself. I should trim my nails, that’s something I have been telling myself for a week.

My mind is thoughtful, or is my thought mindful? I question myself looking at you look at me. My mother calls me for no purpose, yet such conversations spark stories so striking I had to stand up on a stage and share it with you all.

My mother calls me insane because I am afar. Not in a physical state but mentally. I told her to read a book so she can reach me. She agreed. The gap needed to be filled for her. I just gave a better alternative- a book. Separation has been the source of many problems throughout human history. Separation with nature has caused humans to believe they are better and guess, what would my mother call that? You are right, she wouldn’t call them insane. She doesn’t read that many books. Separation is contagious. Once you do it, you want to separate everything in your vicinity such as colour, age, sex. Even imaginary things such as borders, gods. That’s all I could think of for imaginary, but we could always come up with those stuff. We like separation. Separation between you and me, separation between how I see myself and how you see me, separation between what I say and what I meant. We could continue for a long time, but I want to separate myself from that thought.

A gap between here and there, a gap between now and then, a gap between where you are and where you could be. Such gaps we have created ourselves, to better improve our lives. And this separation has created a new species of people that fill this void. Like parasites, they lie there waiting for the feeding to begin. When it does begin, we don’t feel satisfied, so we keep it coming. And they keep on feeding themselves even more. We call them influencers, motivational speakers, the heroes of our time who fill this spot and help us all pass through the gap. It does make one question is this gap the same one that makes us Superman? The self-overcoming, the ultimate goal of human life?

Sometimes I look at people looking at such people while they look back at them. They all seem excited to take part in this fill the gap program. One trading knowledge on how to pass this gap, and the other trading money and time. Two of the most valuable things we consider in this reality. We exchange them in hopes to get to the other side. And do we? Do we pass through it and reach the other side?

How would we know if we did? Would we discard such parasites and move on? Is that when you realise you passed the gap? We can’t tell, can we? Maybe we should ask the parasites what they say about that!

No, it’s never about passing the gap. That you can never do but hoping for it and working for it will lead you places you never dreamt of. And, of course, distract you from the main goal you set to overcome. Parasites were not evolved at first, they kept the people in a loop such as above. But then they did evolve. Rather than stealing from them, they decided to turn them into parasites, not for free of course. So, now you the Self became the parasite in your own gap which was created for brainwashing. The perfect perpetual parasitic cycle was created. Like a slave you continued to fill the gap and the so-called mentors, now they have evolved, took the most valuable thing from you for work that you do.

Standing up on stage, now I look at you while you look at me. My mom calls me insane too. I tell her I want to go far away and live in the mountains. Away from the supermarkets, we call life. This Universal Suicide is too much for me.

Away I want to be, away from you, away from me
The claws and the teeth, they pull strongly
little by little I set myself free
away I go, and away I shall be
the trees reach the shadow to climb high
so shall I, I speak gladly
only to see me, looking at you look at me.